week 20 I am whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, healthy, harmonious and happy.

The feelings that keep me from Feeling that way are fear, hurt feelings, anger, guilt and feeling unworthy.

I think back to the times as a kid when I often felt no limits.   I was seven the first time I flew on a plane – Japan Airlines.  Back then flying was a luxury experience.  I love everything about it and as a blond girl I was showered attention from the women flight attendants.  Being up in the air was magical.  Flying from San Francisco to Honolulu was magical.  Arriving in Tokyo a few days later was magical.  I wanted to be a JAL flight attendant.  I wrote to JAL attendants and to the president of JAL telling them how much I loved their airline and that I wanted to be a flight attendant for them when I grew up.   Low and behold my family and I were invited to Haneda airport and met the head flight attendant and head pilot of the whole airlines.  We got a private tour of an airplane.  I was given an attendant uniform.  I wore my attendant cap to school in spite of it being prohibited by the Japanese public school rules.  I was not going to be told what to do!  I was not stepping out of my comfort zone.  I was manifesting miracles.

To know my true DMP I keep thinking back to myself as a kid and what gave me joy and what I did even though it was “unrealistic”.

In adulthood I have done difficult things.  I have challenged myself to do new things that were out of my comfort zone.  I have achieved goals.  Now I am still struggling with clarifying my PPNs  (primary pivotal needs) and DMP (definite major purpose).   How are  fear, hurt feelings, anger, guilt and feeling unworthy tools to get me where I want to go?  The only thing I can think of is to get out my anger and get some exercise playing whack a mole at the arcade!  Feeling I have to get the answer right almost prevented me from writing any of this but I did it anyway!

 

 

week 17 too much to tell!

The week of noticing kindness was fabulous!  Truly I noticed way more kindnesses than I could count.  It helped me be more appreciative of all the kindnesses I experience or see every day.  My work environment is tense these days but I notice A LOT more appreciation than negativity.  Another thing I noticed/remembered is that being kind does not always mean being nice.  Interrupting a negative behavior or thought might not seem “nice” but can be very kind.

This week my word is imagination.  I felt I lacked this big time as I equated it more with artistic abilities or ability to vividly imagine a new reality.  While I am having challenges emotionalizing my DMP and believing it, I realize my creative ability with imagination is that I love to problem solve and feel proud of myself that I love to think out of the box with work things and challenge “the way we always do things”.  I have a fabulous imagination!

Week 13 Gratitude!

I really wish this course had started earlier with cards where we acknowledge ourselves for our accomplishments and abilities.  I think it would have helped me refine my DMP which is still a work in progress.  I actually had no trouble at all generating over 45 cards immediately of things I am.  Or things I have done.  Actually I am pretty amazed at myself as I did a lot of things especially before age 12 that no one would have said was sensible or possible (but not dangerous).  I had little concept of limits in so many areas of my life though there were other things I did struggle with, like learning Japanese.

This week I have experienced a surge of gratitude as a surf wave carrying me to do things I supposedly did not have time for but had a desire to do even when my usual tiredness set in…  tired from work, which I do love in many ways.   I wrote out many cards to my co-workers with specific appreciations for their work in our hospice care.   I wanted them to be acknowledged by me personally or by my team for their contributions.    Their gratitude has come back to me as well but I was not seeking that.  As a nurse and a hospice worker it is my job to give selflessly and I do it well.   I truly wanted to acknowledge the backbone of our work which involves many people behind the scenes as well at our home health aides who make or brake our patient and family experiences and get small financial compensation.

I have mostly always known that I am in no way naturally a nurse though I am a caring human being.  The cards where we write down our accomplishments and strengths is helping me clarify the abilities I have that may propel me into the next phase of achieving my future dreams though they still seem somewhat vague at this time.

 

week 10 master mind partner

In finding my mastermind partner I just put it out on our alliance area.  Looking for a partner and left my phone numbers.   Soon thereafter got a call from my new mm partner.  She was a flight attendant (was my dream to be one as a kid) and works on design and building houses.   As a kid I used to sit down and draw house plans and furnish my home with items from the Sears catalog and arrange the furniture on my house plan.  I actually sat down and added up how much the furnishings would cost.   I just knew it could come true.  Though I have not seen the landscape my mm partner lives in I have an idea that it is much like the sweeping grasslands I imagined my home being in … I have never lived anywhere that looks like that and am not sure that is really my dream but maybe.

When I was a kid we lived in an old Vermont house with an El out back.  The furthermost part of the El was a falling down stall type area.  I went to work building a place for my horse to be with no idea how this companion would come to be.   I spent hours out there putting together old lumber found on the property so I would have a place for my horse.  Low and behold I was given a horse.   Sweet gentle Prince…  he lived in the home I created for him and I enjoyed his company.  He was not the best horse to ride,  but he comforted me when I had tears of sadness during a lonely time in my life.

Would that I now have the faith to do tasks that without knowing how my dreams will manifest seemingly effortlessly.

week #8 LOVE

LOVE to everyone.

LOVE all the time.

LOVE

LOVE

LOVE.  (To the Beatle’s tune.)

No judgement ever!

LOVE  

LOVE, LOVE…

“Forgive for they know not what they do…”

(hurt their own soul and their potential here in this life…)

I forgive and love…

It is my karma whether anyone else understands it or not.  

Have at least one good laugh and three hugs a day!  and LOVE!

week 7 blog post – up for air!

I had been so buried with work that I temporarily lost track of my 3 x 5 cards.   Today I found them and the goal I had written for the week that I didn’t even remember writing had been accomplished on the date I set (yesterday).  Whoo hoo!

Back up for air.   This is the first time in months I did not have my “job” work hanging over me on the weekend.   Aim to keep it that way.   Eliminate procrastination.

So appreciate my guide, Day, for her support.    So thankful for this MKE!

week 6

As far as the Master Mind process I feel as if I am off the rails.   I have good ideas generated from Sunday’s webinar but have had little time to execute.  Work has buried me and my boss is rightly on my tail to get things done NOW!  Working in hospice is rewarding but working under onerous federal rules and regs is no fun.   Mountains of documentation and a clunky software system make me want to throw my work computer in the ocean.

On the bright side I now have three compasses in my life.  I cut out the paper one from the word document provided to us and it is hanging right on my work computer screen so I see it all the time when on my work computer which has been countless hours this week.  Also I purchased a concrete stepping stone compass.  And, of all things, I received a lovely card with a magnifying glass and toy compass from my guide today.  That was a real surprise.  I also had a nice but brief conversation with my guide by phone Tuesday night.   So I do feel connected.

It feels like I am hanging in by the skin of my teeth but this is too valuable to give up on.  Doing one thing is better than doing nothing.  And I am doing more than one thing so I say to my self “the current pain will pass soon. “

Press Release

Our Weekly Interview with a person of interest in our region

Interviewer Melissa Marshall

 As you know we regularly feature an interesting person in our area.  This week I am pleased to feature Jennifer Wilson who has recently returned to the Southern Vermont area and is contributing to the cultural and social activism of our area.

 Melissa:

I know you grew up in Putney and you credit many of your passions to all the cultural and political influence of the ‘60’s and ‘70’s you were exposed to in that town.  Please tell us a little of what that was like and how you feel it has influenced you.  What are you doing now that is a reflection of those early experiences?

 Jennifer:

When my family moved to Putney in 1966 it was a big shock.   I had lived in Westchester County NY right outside New York City and also in Tokyo, Japan.  The idea of living in a town with no stop light, no supermarket or movie theater I could not comprehend.  I actually asked my peers “have you ever heard of the Beatles?”.  The idea that national TV and local radio was all in synch with popular culture and was everywhere even in this little place was foreign to me.  Any way I was really relieved to know that my peers did know about all the popular culture I was aware of at my age of 10. 

It turns out that at that time in Putney one could go through preschool to grad school all in the same town with private education.  My father was on the faculty of Antioch Putney Graduate School (now Antioch New England in Keene NH).  Windham College (now the campus of Landmark College) and the grad school were both within walking distance of my house.  Due to the educational divide between the progressives and conservatives at the time I ended up in private school 5th thru 8th grades at The Grammar School which is still in existence.  I mention these specifics as I feel it is important to actually credit the specific institutions for their influence on me.  I always hate it when someone says someone helped me but one does not reveal the source.  I do realize that at times there is a reason to keep things anonymous… (I suppose that is another opinion I might keep to myself.)  Anyhow, I digress.  The reason this town had such an impact upon me was that between the caring educators I had at The Grammar School and all the things I was independently able to access just by walking somewhere I was exposed to political discourse, films, plays, music and concerts of many genres, reading, lectures and just a general milieu of learning and culture, that, in essence, I have felt deprived of since that time as all of these many influences can be more difficult to access in any given area.  I wanted to return to an area of culture, and admittedly a left leaning political environment, where I could feel at home and contribute to the pollical and cultural life while also enjoying the natural beauty of my home.  Thus the home I have built here is in part a refuge but also a haven for artistic and political pursuits.  While capitalism is stereotyped as evil in some circles, I prefer to follow my grandfather’s example of responsible capitalism.  If he was alive today likely he would say the same thing as Warren Buffet; It makes no sense for him to make more money and pay less tax than his secretary.   I chose to make my money and help other people in what I believe is, in a way, the next model of buying cooperatives. 

Co-ops were founded before I was born as a way for consumers to band together to buy better goods at better prices.  The co-ops founded in the ‘60’s and expanded into the ‘70’s based on that idea.  They still exist today but unfortunately market forces and changes in lifestyle have made many co-ops today more like Whole Paycheck.  There have been many shifts in the economy leading to many businesses who were once market giants folding.  Consumers needed a way to once again exert price and choice control in the market place.  In addition to that, the erosion of middle class incomes has been a huge problem.  I am very proud that I have enabled many hundreds of independent business owners and their customers to be a big part of taking back control of the marketplace, giving all of us the tools to really evaluate what we are buying, at what price and for what benefit.  In addition, my business has allowed many people who thought they did not have a prayer of staying afloat, much less making it, to gain control of their financial future.  As a result of their success I have been able to be successful beyond my wildest dreams.  I am thrilled to be able to give back to my local economy and culture while also helping people around the world.   Was that too long an answer to your question?

 Melissa:

That was more than I expected from my first question but I can see how this ties together.  Tell me more about what you are doing now in our local area.

Jennifer:

As you well know my home has developed into more of a compound than a house.  That is because I want my home to be a hub of activity as well as a refuge for me and my husband Bill, who is a musician, and our friends and family.  As I was so spoiled as a kid with intelligent and active people coming in and out of our house day and night, literally, I wanted a home that could have that spirit as well as peace and quiet.   Not always an easy balance.

Bill and I host musical events of many types at least every other week in our home.  We love to support up and coming musicians as well as “old timers”, some of who may be “forgotten”.  We love the mix of genres and audiences.  I love the combination of relaxed hospitality with food and drink and having a respectful audience.  We also host dance night with mature folks enjoy dancing to music from the classic jazz era through more modern music.  I have to admit some things I like Bill classifies as noise so we keep that to a minimum. 

Additionally I host fundraising and political events frequently as my parents and friends did.  While at times I see enormous advances in terms of human spirituality and consciousness in my lifetime, there are many issues that continue to need to be addressed.  It is not only my desire but I also feel my obligation to do my part to advance causes for human rights and dignity as well as to preserve our planet for the benefit of all species.  As a long-time feminist, causes focused on women are often the focus of my effort but truly I entertain many proposals of all kinds for me to give to financially or to host/design benefits for.  It is the hub of activity and giving back that I thrive on.

 Melissa:

With all of that activity, how do you relax and take care of yourself?

 Jennifer:

I always loved horses as a kid and am now blessed to have two Islandic ponies that I can ride at any time.  I didn’t know about this breed until I was an adult.  I had the opportunity many years ago to ride ponies of this breed and found them to be the perfect match of strength, energy and gentleness.  They are a pleasure for beginners to ride and have the stamina to be pushed for long and lively trail rides.  As my primary purpose is just to enjoy riding and the company of gentle equines they fit the bill perfectly.  Fire and Blast are the perfect pair for me.

Bill and I stay fit with a combination of exercise equipment at home and outdoor activities we enjoy.  We play tennis, ride the ponies, walk in the woods or swim.  Bill loves to fish in the lake and rivers locally.  As we have the luxury of having help to maintain our indoor and outdoor environment we have the option of just lounging at home on occasion.  Between the cooking I like to do, many times with friends and family, or having the assistance of paid help, we eat healthy and flavorful food every day.   We also like to patronize eating establishments and usually make healthy choices there are well.   Food is a huge pleasure for both of us and we balance this with activity we enjoy.

Truly I would say that this combination of natural beauty, music, cultural and political activity, a beautiful home along with social connections nourish me.  I feel grateful and energized every day!  I still remember the saying “never trust anyone over 30”.  I am way passed that and my kids are passed that too.  But I feel like a kid inside with enthusiasm and wonder every day!

week 4

I have been faithful to reading and sitting every day as soon as I get home from work so I will not get distracted.  A tactic for keeping negative thoughts out of my mind while I sit…  I sing in my mind the lyrics from Godspell:  “you are the light of the world” except I change it to “I am the light of the world”.

As I drive a lot during the day I notice all the red, blue, yellow and green things in my surroundings and say out loud or in my head the colors and shapes I see.  To make a green triangle I mentally slice a rectangle in half.  To see a yellow square I note the yellow signs along the highway.  They are tipped on their sides but squares never the less.  I note that at least in Western Mass and Connecticut of the four colors of cars greens are the rarest and blue the most prevalent closely followed by red.  As there is lots of fall foliage as well as still  a lot of green it is not difficult to find all the colors either natural or human made.

I do find myself doing little tasks throughout the day and then “spacing out”.   Then I  remind myself of the activity I can be doing while doing something else, especially driving, and I get back on task.  I have to admit some of these “little exercises” do not seem to be amounting to much so far but I am willing to do my coloring and repeating phrases and trust the process.

Committed!