This is really hard to write. But I almost gave up on this, on me, this week. Last week I had been sick and it took all I had to get stuff done for this course and I got behind on virtually everything else in my life. This week I had to scramble to catch up on everything else and I put this course on the back burner. I didn’t hardly read, I didn’t do my sit, etc., etc., etc. My brain is exploding with trying to remember to do everything. I know it works, but it all just seems like too much. But then, towards the end of the week two things happened.
So, back track a bit. I had bought my first home at the age of 23 and had never rented until my divorce and for ten years my kids and I lived in rentals and it had been my dream to own again, but that didn’t look too promising. I had had to file for bankruptcy after the divorce and my credit was horrible because my husband thought it was funny to withhold child support until it was just about time for the courts to come after him. And then my daughter did the most beautiful thing in the world. After college she joined the Navy and was given a very sizable sign on bonus, with that money she gifted me the down payment and closing costs of the home we have owned together now for almost 9 years. Since that time she has married and asked if she could be removed from the loan and title but my income and credit was not good enough for me to hold it all in my name alone. Until the end of this week when I learned that I could do it. By the end of this year I will be giving my beautiful, loving, generous daughter the gift of freedom so she and her husband are not saddled with this debt on their credit. I cannot begin to express how this feels.
Then I presented on Adolescence and Substance Abuse to some of the most amazing caretakers/parents I have ever met! My message is very different from a lot of the messages parents hear and so I panic a bit each time I give it, but the response was extraordinary and the look of hope on each of their faces when I was done was priceless. That definitely helped me renew my desire to get out and speak to more and more audiences.
My PPN’s are autonomy and legacy and I know this week I truly moved toward both of those – I may not have done all my exercises, but at this moment in time I feel so good about things and I’m not jumping off the wagon just yet. My DMP is calling to me, I cannot give up on me or on my future.
OH MY GOSH! I have SO MANY OPINIONS!!! I swear, in almost every conversation I am putting in my two cents. Rarely are they bad opinions but, my goodness they are plentiful! I do sit and observe… and then give my opinion. My husband is getting a kick out of looking at my face every time I realize that there I go again! Each day I am improving and I am grateful and very aware. In my job I am required to give my opinion. It is important now to turn that off at other times. This exercise has been very powerful!
So… there is SO MUCH on my plate these days – all good things – no complaint here. And, not that I am a HUGE procrastinator, but I do put things off, so “DO IT NOW” has been FANTASTIC. Problem is, though, that Subbie is having a blast with it – it’s just that I am not always “doing now” the things of the highest priority! Subbie gets an idea, then starts chanting “Do It Now” – so I have done more home improvement projects, organized my office more, called friends I haven’t spoken to in a while. What I haven’t done is kept up with my blogging, my DMP, my index cards – the things that are REALLY going to make a difference in the long run. Each week is a new level of learning. I’m so glad I have 22 more weeks.
It has been a strange phenomena this week, in that I have observed random, but obvious change going on all around me. I heard of a colleague moving back to her home country, Australia, after a few years here. Another friend has quit her job as a well-paid Ex Dir for a non-profit to go back to private practice, my son and his girlfriend have just moved into a dream apartment in DC – a tremendous achievement from working hard as an automobile photographer and pediatric nurse, and a beloved dog will be put down today after years of serving as a therapy dog. It seems like a lot all in one week, has it always been this way or am I just observing it now as I am becoming more aware through MKMMA? Change stirs up so many emotions in me – quit a menagerie of emotions at that – and what I’ve done this week, instead of fighting them, is just sit with them and let them flow.
So, in a way I feel like I am on a roller coaster. The highs and lows of these past few days are really interesting. I wake up in the a.m. totally filled with vim and vigor and then the day progresses and I fall off course, causing me to tumble in thought and emotion. I might forget my midday promise; my “subby” lambastes me about my inadequacies and that status quo isn’t really all that bad; and then at the end of the day I feel I was only mediocre in my day’s achievements.
At the same time there is an inner peace growing – almost imperceptible – a quiet voice saying “It’s ok. Change takes time, you are just where you are meant to be. Tomorrow is a new day.”
It feels really good to know that I am not alone in this. Being in “class” on Sundays and hearing from my guide and others throughout the week are very inspiring.
I am tired. I remember when my daughter was an exchange student in Italy and no one spoke English, her brain was working overtime to learn to communicate with them and she was always tired. I feel that this reprogramming is making me tired, too. “Subby” is fighting back so hard, but I have faith in the process and the outcome and each day will bring me closer to the me I am meant to be.
Ok I’m half way through week 1 of my Master Key Master Mind Alliance and I am panicking! My schedule was already full – with my main job – Ex Dir of the Talbot Partnership, Teen Court Coordinator for the Talbot County Teen Court program, volunteer Mediator, ARIIX business owner, and DIYer rehabbing our 117 year old home together with my husband – oh, and being a good drummer’s wife attending gigs that are sometimes 2 to 3 hours from home.
I am so eager to go through this program because I just know how wonderful my life will be on the other end, but, so far, each morning when I am reading and sitting my mind is screaming – “What are you thinking??? You don’t have time for this! You need to be doing a thousand other things right now AND what makes you think this time is going to be different? You’ve tried similar stuff so many times before and you quit – THAT’S who you are.
I don’t want to keep living the way I have been living. Playing small/being small serves no one – not me and certainly not those who I want to help. I believe that I will get into a rhythm before I know it and this feeling of overwhelm will be a thing of the past…