Word of the Week….synchronicity. I feel asleep listening to a meditation on you tube and woke up in the middle of the night to a Dr. Joe Dispenza workshop on ” Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself”. How insane is that??? Just what I needed to hear, I know. Just the sheer freakiness of it all kept me awake the rest of the night. I found many of the habits actually becoming habits this week, yet I still do not find it automatic to search for the shapes. I conduct my morning meditation by using the mantra,” I can be what I will to be” as I see a green triangle in between my eyes as I sit. This has really helped me to keep out the negative thoughts and I really do enjoy this calmness in the day. The big aha for me this week was once again in the Master Key. I adore this reading every morning and find myself reading it aloud so that I don’t speed through and miss any meaning. This is the sentence that grabbed me and left me with my mouth hanging open. “Modern Psychology tells us when we start something and dono.t complete it, or make a resolution and do not keep it, we are forming the habit of failure”. Wow, just WOW….this is what kept me resolute this week and scared the daylights out of me. I have spent my whole life giving up on my dreams when they became too difficult. NO one stole my dreams…it was me. I have programmed myself to do this when things got uncomfortable. I found myself throwing out all of my excuses this week. There is no excuse that is valid. Everything that isn’t keeping my promises is an excuse. On my way to work with a smile to share with the world…give more, get more
Challenges were plentiful this week. Although the morning reading of all of my assignments was easy for me to accomplish, I had to really think about the midday reading and had to absolutely force myself to do the bed time reading. I feel like I have established a fantastic morning ritual, but then my day just kind of falls apart when things start to get busy. I am becoming more and more aware of how much time I actually waste in a day. I remind myself to be on the lookout for the red circles and I notice them for awhile, but in the grind of everyday I tend to forget about it. So much to focus on…red circles, big dreams, completing chores, enthusiasm, blogging, keeping promises and now letting my light shine. I find myself doubting that this will become second nature. As I have heard…”awareness, in and of itself, is trans formative.” I am finding this to be accurate.
I truly enjoy the weekly lessons of the Master Key and look forward to savoring each and every word. Each read provides a new nugget of pure wisdom and each sit provides new insight into the meaning of my hopes, dreams and most importantly….fears. In this line,” It is fear of this criticism that causes many ideas to fail to see the light of day”, I was stopped dead in my tracks. I realized that this has been my shtick my entire life. This is what keeps me from being successful, this is what keeps me timid and this is what keeps me from living out loud. I saw, during my sit, a technicolor movie of all of the major times in my life this played out and held me back and had me making up excuses and justifications for how everyone else was to blame. I absolutely cannot stand the critique and the emotions that come flooding when my ability or opinion is challenged. Awareness is trans-formative. Now I just need to practice blowing right past the emotions and generating new ones of courage, confidence and power. WOW..
It feels strange to have so much on my plate now. I absolutely love being a student again. I truly understand the meaning behind the saying “busy people get more done”. I am enjoying celebrating the successes….all of them. I was overjoyed to have a clean car before the date that I said I would, and claimed it as a major success. I realized that I would have much higher esteem if I gave myself this gift single day. I had no problem doing my reading every morning as I awoke, but found myself sometimes too tired at bedtime. I did notice this and corrected the next day. I realized that I am addicted to this chaotic political scene and find myself still aching to watch the news or engage in some debate on facebook that enrages me. Once again, I have the awareness now…it is definitely easier to just let it go. One night this week, I followed the directions to a T and made sure the last thing I did was read my Definite Major Purpose. I actually had a dream about me being successful in my business and saw myself truly helping others…and when I awoke I actually still felt the joy of helping others in my dream. It really is this powerful. I dream frequently and many times am left with the emotion from a bad or frightening dream but I don’t remember feeling this blissful from a dream in a very long time.
I am acutely aware that this process is truly life-changing. I see the little changes every day in many aspects of my life…attitude, habit, self -talk, enthusiasm. There were a couple times this week that I noted feeling incredibly enthusiastic about my business. It has been awhile since I had felt that enthusiasm and belief. I am very excited to week 3 and I promise to put away ALL of the laundry this week. I always keep my promises
Today I begin a new life… Wow what a week it has been. I have found myself really making up all kinds of excuses for why I can’t complete the daily assignments, why it’s ok to criticize people, and why I must continue to do things the way that I always have.
All of this reading has brought so many insights. As I read to myself each morning that I always keep my promises, I realized I am a Master at keeping my promises….to everyone except myself. Integrity is so very important…but integrity to self is the most important.
I have been practicing meditation for many years, so the sittings were not too difficult for me. I did find my mind, many times, trying to tell me I was too busy for this even though I had just spent an hour drinking coffee and glancing out the window. The biggest revelation came to me during a sit while pondering where my fear came from and why it has been so indelible in my adult life. I spent most of my childhood learning to play all sorts of musical instruments and knew by the time I was 12 that I wanted to be a performance major. I went to college on a full scholarship as I played the bassoon and the school I wanted to attend really needed a bassoon in their symphony. I stated playing in their symphony while I was still in high school and enjoyed it immensely. When I started college, I was blown away how advanced most of these students were. I was also distracted by all the parties and social life and didn’t have nearly the focus or determination that it took to be a performance major. At the end of my sophomore year, I was required to do a performance jury attended by all of the music professors. It was a requirement that I pass this jury in order to continue as a performance major. I did not pass. I knew in my heart I did not want to be a teacher, so I dropped out of school. My hopes and dreams were broken and carry the crush of that blow deep inside my heart. I never went back to college. The truth is I didn’t deserve to pass that jury. I was nowhere near as serious as I needed to be to perform as a musician for a career. I didn’t prioritize my dream and I didn’t earn it and far worse I allowed that stamp of rejection to cripple me most of my life. I sold myself short based on one experience and ended my dreaming there…..and lived a life afraid of failing. What a revelation!
I have demanded of myself today…. “YOU CAN’T TAKE IT WITH YOU”.
Today I begin a new life….
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